Love and Gratitude Are Always Available

Except for New Year's last year, this is my first holiday without my son.  My heart is heavy when I think of a couple of different family issues going on, but I am still so very grateful for many things.

This moment, I just got a phone call from my boy!  You should have seen my smile when I heard my phone going off because I just knew it would be him.

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I know that he will have a good time visiting that side of the family.  I love when he can be around family, even if it's not with me.  

I am also grateful for the show, Long Island Medium.  You know that satisfying moment when you are DONE cleaning the house?  I sat down yesterday after cleaning and watched an episode of Theresa Caputo talking to the dead.  I realized the error in feeling alone.  People often struggle with loss, grief, and sudden changes and feel that they are alone.  But, we are never alone.  I am not the type to be freaked out by that.  All around us, in the spaces we move in, is love and guidance that we do not see.  

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I am grateful for my home - that I have it, that I pay for it, that I cleaned it all yesterday.  It has a chance to stay clean for a few days at least.  Feels good.  

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Finally, I will be introduced to a new family at Thanksgiving.  I will host the meal at my house, so I will have visitors at my mercy when I get a little crazy in the kitchen with my wine.  I may sing and scare people off.  We will have to see.  

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My focus for now is to remember what I am grateful for and all that I have.  I'm happy and hopeful for the future and have a lot of love in my life even when I'm missing others.  

Cheers to you all for a beautiful Thanksgiving! 

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Divorce.

I don’t know the answers anymore.  I thought I had a certain life.  All picked out and planned.  It was all going well, until…Until time did us in.  We went along thinking time would take care of us.  But it does not.  You fuck it all up when you don’t keep an eye on time.  Time brings all these things you are supposed to do and be.  You are trapped in thinking you are supposed to keep everything going and hope that’s enough.  It’s not enough.  I know that now. 

You are supposed to exist in a life that is shared with others.  The biggest lie I believed was that I was supposed to find my own happiness.  Of course, you are supposed to find your own happiness.  But what I didn’t know, and perhaps what we both didn't know, was that your own happiness is supposed to be shared with someone else.  It doesn’t exist on your own island.  Hopefully, the happiness you are sharing is with the one you married.  

If I am to face this crushing heartache and a total “fuck you” to my life, then I must believe in what can come of this and be good. 

My son.  My son doesn’t understand why mommy and daddy aren’t together.  Sure, he’ll tell you the pat answer, “They argued.  They just couldn’t get along.”   But he has no idea.  He has no idea what has gone into all that.  A lifetime. 

Of course it’s not a lifetime.  It is a chapter, as they would say.  But, there’s my son.  Maybe he’s wondering why his chapter ended.  Maybe he is wondering where his new chapter begins.

He sees his new chapter.  He is living in his own chapter that was created for him by the adults that messed up the last chapter. 

If I want good to come of this, then I must be sure my son grows up to know some things. 

He needs to know that you have no fucking idea who you are when you are eighteen to thirty years old.  At least.  If you are going to choose someone during that time, then you better choose someone who will grow with you.  Someone who will be, at the core, a lot like you so they can grow with you.  But then, you see, there is the mistake.  You think you know who you are when you are twenty-two.  So, you think you can find someone enough like you who you can grow with, have a life with.  But life is long and so many lessons to learn.

You see how complicated this is?  I want good to come of this – life lessons for my son.  However, I am still learning.  It’s all we’ve got in this life, to keep learning. I still don’t know how I fell in love so hard, so right, so forever, and now, forever has ended with that person. 

In spite of all I don’t know, I want my son to know…

That love exists, and it exists hard, for the moment.  You create for yourself a life that can live on the waves of love that go on forever.  One love may not be enough.  One love may not see you through to all that you can be. 

My son, I loved your daddy.  More than words can say.  I always will in a way.  I am still realizing the mistakes we made. 

Life doesn’t wait for your learning. 

Life goes on and on, and you better pay attention.  You need to pay attention to yourself and the people you are closest to in order to make any meaning of it.  Don’t ignore the whispers of your heart.  Act on them.  Fear will keep you from that. 

Fuck fear. 

Fuck fear and all that it implies. 

I am not “down on love.”  I am not saying “only serve yourself.”  The messages I intend to instill are much more complicated than that. 

Realize that life will bring you so many surprises.  In so many stages in your life, and in so many ways.  Whether you are ready or not, you will handle those little shockers as well as the love you have built inside you.

Only love rules.

Me saying that only love rules is ironic, I know.  I am telling a story about divorce and life-lessons-for-my-son, and I am saying love rules all.  Well, it does.  Self-love, gratitude, and love for the world around you is what will help you build a good character – a good inside – so that you may steer through these challenges with a trust-worthy inner ear. 

Maybe all of this is more about myself than my son.  He will figure it out, just like we all do eventually.  My hope is that he knows, all along the way, the love that was there for him.  I want him to build on that love so much that he is able to look at the world with a lens of his own, a lens that has been tinted with good intentions. 

What I need to remember is that I did the best I could at the time.  If I don’t learn from that, then damn me.  I don’t need to be perfect.  I don’t need to create the perfect life.  My perfect life exists right now.  It exists right now in the choices I’ve made.  Most of those choices I’m happy with.  The other choices – I’m trying to listen to my inner ear, my inner heart about all of it.  I can only hope my son lives life the same way. 

And there is the gift to myself.  Hoping my son lives his life the same way.  Learning from mistakes.  Living life with love. 

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The above was written many months ago.  I have sat on it awhile.  It was writing that, in a way, inspired this blog, but I could not share.  I felt it was too soon.  Although truth exists in the moment, sometimes, we wait to share it for when it feels ok.  I don't know that me sharing this will feel ok with others, but it is my truth.  And, dammit, I  know that so many out there deal with divorce with children and struggle to make sense of it all.  

It's something I believe in.  Writing.  And sharing my words.

"I Wanna See You Be Brave"

I am no longer sick, but I have a damn busy life to live, you know.  I can angst about what to write.  I try to be all "intentional" about it.  There's something the reader wants to connect with, and I've got to hint at it every time.

It's hard.

So, I was thinking today (well, actually, I think a lot about this) about how we live in a very fear-based, fear-motivated society.

Wait!  Don't go.  Stick with me here.  You may think I'm going to get political and rambly, but I won't.

I think that we're on to something when we think about how NOT to live that way.  It just feels right to question this fear.  I speak for myself, I guess.  You may not feel the same.

Regardless of what we think about fear, I want to think about what it means to BE BRAVE.

Does it mean you are vulnerable?

Honest?

Dangerous?

Confident?

Gutsy?

Honorable?

It is a fascinating word.  Thinking about what brave means is like trying to perfectly capture "love" in one sentence.

I try to be brave.  I am still just so silly when it comes to some things.  Things that really freak me out:  the first 10 minutes roller skating, going down escalators, heights, and I don't like socializing sometimes.  I know I get better at being brave with age, so that is nice.  I do think I am braver in many "small" ways.  I'm pretty honest and speak my thoughts, and socialize more.  I have been brave in tough circumstances like giving birth, surviving surgeries and calamities, moving different places, trying new things, going through divorce.

It's a good thing that my brave is increasing because I have a son.  Maybe, even though he is so sensitive, he'll have a pretty good chance at living his life in a brave manner.  I guess, to me, brave is authentic.  It's really hard to be authentic, but to be authentic is good.  Right?  Or, is that another conversation?

Moving on, I am madly in love with this song.  I'm totally providing free publicity here because this song was my entire inspiration for this blog today.  A welcome inspiration.

I love the video.  You will too.

I promise.

Brave, Sara Bareilles

Ok, so it's kinda cheesy, but there's a place for that in my heart.

Put on a Brave Face

I'm linking up with Mama Kat for her Writer's Workshop this week.  The prompt I chose was:

Open your picture folders, close your eyes and pick a random photo to share and write about.

I randomly opened my pics folder on my desktop and quickly chose a folder without thinking, and this was the first picture I saw:

 

It took my breath away.  My heart hurt a little.  Unresolved grief washed over me. 

I try to stay positive, laugh through the tears, and reassure myself that it’s all going to be ok, but then there are moments when I have to just let myself feel the grief again.  Just for a moment. 

That picture was taken this time last year on the day that my ex-husband was moving out of the house.  The hardest part of that entire experience was worrying about my son and how he would handle all the change. 

I took him to the Manitou Arts and Crafts Festival for the day so that he didn’t have to watch his daddy move out.  He knew the basics of what was occurring that day, but he didn’t have to watch it. 

Don’t worry, he wasn’t stricken with grief, lying on the sidewalk, and I wasn’t taking pictures of sad things.  We had walked a lot that day, and we had to make it up a big hill before reaching our car.  Parker was in good spirits, but he was tired and decided to rest for a moment.  I was giggling as I took the picture, saying, “Geez, Parker, you’re just going to lay down right here?  I’m going to take your picture!” 

My happiness that day was basically fake.  I was just trying to get us through a very hard day.  I was putting on a brave face for my son.   I remember many times that day when I held back the tears and kept pressing forward.  You just aren’t allowed to grieve anytime you want when you have a child, and every mom can relate to that in some way.

I took him to lunch, and I remember every detail.  What we ate, where we sat, what toys he played with at the table.  I was hyper-alert because of my conflicted emotional state.  I was nervous, worried, and sad, and I just wanted my child to make it through the day without his mother losing it.  We went to the park and the festival.  Live music was playing, face-painted children ran around at the playground, crowds of people milled about talking and laughing. 

That’s the thing about life that we all inevitably learn.  In every experience that is sad and awful and heartbreaking, there are reminders all around that laughter is around the corner, rest will eventually come to you, and life goes on.  

And, sometimes when you're just putting on a brave face, you need to stop and lay down.

I Live to Blog Again

I am ready again to blog and write.  Life got in the way in a major way last year.  Overwhelmed with personal stress, I had to end my previous blog, Pampers and Pinot.  It had run its course anyway.  It was a great blog, and like Oprah, I had to leave while people still liked me.  You see, my head is still big enough to compare myself to Oprah and assume that I am liked by the masses.

I don’t aim to make everyone like me anymore.  I am simply myself and that is enough. 

My life went through a complete overhaul – the biggest being that I went through a divorce.  There were many health problems to get through (all is well now).  I had to focus on my son and his adjustment to all of these stressors. 

What hasn’t changed about me?  My sharp wit and tongue are always at the ready.  Laughing is an extremely important activity!  People may hold their breath when I begin to speak, but there is no need to worry.  My heart is big enough to make me cry every time I watch Brave.  I try to approach people with understanding and love.  My devious humor is just for fun. 

I am a very creative spirit.  Blogging keeps me writing.  Writing keeps me feeling good. 

The world is full of love – in so many forms.  The world is full of blasphemy – of all types.  I plan to write about both.  No holds barred.

I’m back.