I don’t know the answers anymore. I thought I had a certain life. All picked out and planned. It was all going well, until…Until time did
us in. We went along thinking time would
take care of us. But it does not. You fuck it all up when you don’t keep an eye
on time. Time brings all these things
you are supposed to do and be. You are
trapped in thinking you are supposed to keep everything going and hope that’s
enough. It’s not enough. I know that now.
You are supposed to exist in a life that is shared with
others. The biggest lie I believed was
that I was supposed to find my own happiness.
Of course, you are supposed to find your own happiness. But what I didn’t know, and perhaps what we both didn't know, was that your own happiness is supposed to be shared with someone
else. It doesn’t exist on your own
island. Hopefully, the happiness you are sharing is with the one you married.
If I am to face this crushing heartache and a total “fuck
you” to my life, then I must believe in what can come of this and be good.
My son. My son
doesn’t understand why mommy and daddy aren’t together. Sure, he’ll tell you the pat answer, “They argued. They just couldn’t get
along.” But he has no idea. He has no idea what has gone into all
that. A lifetime.
Of course it’s not a lifetime. It is a chapter, as they would say. But, there’s my son. Maybe he’s wondering why his chapter ended. Maybe he is wondering where his new chapter
begins.
He sees his new chapter.
He is living in his own chapter that was created for him by the adults
that messed up the last chapter.
If I want good to come of this, then I must be sure my son
grows up to know some things.
He needs to know that you have no fucking idea who you are
when you are eighteen to thirty years old.
At least. If you are going to
choose someone during that time, then you better choose someone who will grow
with you. Someone who will be, at the
core, a lot like you so they can grow with you.
But then, you see, there is the mistake.
You think you know who you are when you are twenty-two. So, you think you can find someone enough like
you who you can grow with, have a life with. But life is long and so many lessons to learn.
You see how complicated this is? I want good to come of this – life lessons
for my son. However, I am still learning. It’s all we’ve got in this life, to keep
learning. I still don’t know how I fell in love so hard, so right, so
forever, and now, forever has ended with
that person.
In spite of all I don’t know, I want my son to know…
That love exists, and it exists hard, for the moment. You create for yourself a life that can live
on the waves of love that go on forever.
One love may not be enough. One
love may not see you through to all that you can be.
My son, I loved your daddy.
More than words can say. I always will in a way. I am still realizing
the mistakes we made.
Life doesn’t wait for your learning.
Life goes on and on, and you better pay attention. You need to pay attention to yourself and the
people you are closest to in order to make any meaning of it. Don’t ignore the whispers of your heart. Act on them.
Fear will keep you from that.
Fuck fear.
Fuck fear and all that it implies.
I am not “down on love.”
I am not saying “only serve yourself.”
The messages I intend to instill are much more complicated than
that.
Realize that life will bring you so many surprises. In so many stages in your life, and in so
many ways. Whether you are ready or not,
you will handle those little shockers as well as the love you have built inside
you.
Only love rules.
Me saying that only love rules is ironic, I know. I am telling a story about divorce and
life-lessons-for-my-son, and I am saying love rules all. Well, it does. Self-love, gratitude, and love for the world
around you is what will help you build a good character – a good inside – so
that you may steer through these challenges with a trust-worthy inner ear.
Maybe all of this is more about myself than my son. He will figure it out, just like we all do
eventually. My hope is that he knows,
all along the way, the love that was there for him. I want him to build on that love so much that
he is able to look at the world with a lens of his own, a lens that has been
tinted with good intentions.
What I need to remember is that I did the best I could at
the time. If I don’t learn from that,
then damn me. I don’t need to be
perfect. I don’t need to create the
perfect life. My perfect life exists
right now. It exists right now in the
choices I’ve made. Most of those choices
I’m happy with. The other choices – I’m
trying to listen to my inner ear, my inner heart about all of it. I can only hope my son lives life the same
way.
And there is the gift to myself. Hoping my son lives his life the same
way. Learning from mistakes. Living life with love.
...................................
The above was written many months ago. I have sat on it awhile. It was writing that, in a way, inspired this blog, but I could not share. I felt it was too soon. Although truth exists in the moment, sometimes, we wait to share it for when it feels ok. I don't know that me sharing this will feel ok with others, but it is my truth. And, dammit, I know that so many out there deal with divorce with children and struggle to make sense of it all.
It's something I believe in. Writing. And sharing my words.
